Life Update: A Not So Flowery Disposition

And maybe just then, 

I’d feel I am so much more. 

Capable and inspiring.

I’ve never really taken the time to sit down— actually sit down —and write something for the blog. It feels quite a while indeed. I have not even found the time to tell you that for the past five months I’ve been out in the world, working, adulting, and seeing life in somewhat a new perspective. Five months have gone by of this year and I’m living my life differently. Five months have gone and as for the blog, all I have are a few unsolicited posts. Dreadful. Is this even me?

Anyway, one night ago, a friend randomly sent me a chat of her own late night thoughts—as she called it herself. To my surprise, it was meant for me. She said “you were in a way an asset of Fashion Design (referring to our university’s program) because you were an innovator; you created your own style instead of just simply following the norm. Sadly, instead of being nurtured, you were discouraged. Which is very sad and wrong”. To think of it as something out of the blue would be a lie, but I found the gesture extremely sincere and heartwarming. That how someone saw me in some way I don’t usually see myself as. I was never the excellent one in design school nor did I see myself as one, let alone consider myself an asset. But, what got me the most was how she saw something in me that I never usually saw within myself. I felt all my heartstrings being tugged because of the fact that she had so much faith in what I can do and with what I'm capable of doing. It was indeed reassuring. Something I truly needed in this current state my life is in. 

Currently, I’m living my life far from the prestige I was accustomed to five years ago in college. It was a conscious decision, a decision that would often raise people’s eyebrows in confusion and disappointment. For the last five months, I have been working as a content writer for a digital lab company here in Cebu. Never once did I foresee a path I’d ever answer content writer to questions such as “what do you do?”. I wouldn’t want to say I was shocked, but I somewhat was. Five years in college and all I have to think and talk about were the latest trends, the musical chairs of designers and design houses. It was shallow, but it was where I truly excelled in and felt completely at ease. Now, I’m being confronted by people whose interests are reading and arsenal of choice are books, bookworms or nerds as you would call it. I’m confronted by people whose ideas and views of life are so broad, mine felt so little. I feel so little. I would be lying if I said I didn’t struggle the first few weeks in the new job and maybe even now. I felt out of place and even maybe to this day. It was here I’d constantly question my intellectual capacity or the lack thereof. It was here I realized, I was just being constantly put on a pedestal, blinded by it and allowed to walk the world as if I was invincible, when I was not. It was here I realized I was not all people saw me as. That I was stupid. Stupid in a sense, I allowed myself to be complacent about certain things leading for me to get left behind—in life and in knowledge. It was here I realize I wasn’t good nor was I good enough (yet). Every day is a constant battle of trying to prove myself to people that I can write, that I am at least worthy of the title. That leaving the world of fashion for the meantime is worth it.

Now, I ask myself, are all these worth the stress? It is definitely not the truth if I told you this is what I really love to do. I feel like I have completely thrown myself out the window and started anew. Created a new person. Someone less optimistic. Someone who settles for mediocrity. Someone who seems like doesn’t have a goal. It’s unfortunate, but it’s the current state of my life. Something I truly want to get out of, maybe already. I just keep reminding myself, something good will come out of this, I’m just not sure what yet. Maybe it’s time to get back to fashion or do something I truly love and enjoy, somewhere I can truly excel. Maybe it’s time to reassure myself and foster the value people say that I have that I don’t often see. And maybe just then, I’d feel I am so much more. Capable and inspiring. 





DRESS
Thrift

DENIM PANTS
Penshoppe

ANKLE BOOTS
Forever 21

*special thanks to Robert Hiyas 

for letting me play with his film camera.