X / III

There was a moment I felt helpless.

 Then, there was a slight optimism, 

it was almost too idealistic, 

but that was the only part I can cling to.

Considering, that it's been months since I've successfully defended my collection in front of seven unabashed panel. Everything now, are just remnants of what went by. It may not be written as emotionally raw as I'd hope it should had been, I'll try in any way and as honest as my emotions can go.


start

It was on the forth of October, that day felt like I was oppressed by my own thoughts. Nerves. Pressure. Excitement. All rolled into one. Imagine waking up that very morning, and have the thought of not being good enough ram through your head. It was existentially terrifying, and the thought, exhausting. That morning too, on the way to school with pressure eating me alive, fragments of uttered frights were my only signs of life. It was too much. The moment I said "I am nervous" was the exact moment I let it out. It was probably the only way I found solace at the time, to wail in desperation. I could only cry. For a moment I felt helpless and just resorted to the fact that I've done my part and the rest was at the hands of these people I'm just about to meet. Then, there was a slight optimism, it was almost too idealistic, but that was the only part I can cling to.

To my eyes, my collection embodied an ambition I never had that justifyingly worked towards my aesthetic. To their eyes, it was a hot mess. Although, they were extremely critical, it was for the better (I guess?). My emotions were compartmentalized from how they received my tropics-inspired line. Part was at bliss that they appreciated a few of the pieces. Part was torn, dejected, that most of my key ideas were unabashedly scrutinized for being too all over the place. Stripping down my collection from a discombobulated ambition to an edited bore. But I can't complain, or can I? I passed last semester with an unexciting grade, but it was what I only hoped. So for now, I'll just stay thankful for that.

end 

Pressure, was not a friend. Not even close. Thoughts of trying to make people happy were what filled my almost tired brain. It was always about "Is this good enough?", "Will they appreciate what I do?". For months, while on the process of finishing the collection, these thoughts bombarded me tirelessly. A lot, would be an understatement. I was almost ready to raise my hands and waive a white flag. But I couldn't, I just had to finish what I started, and now we're close. Close to the end (close to the unveiling- for this blog). We are all about to shoot our collections for our portfolio and that's one thing I can't truly wait and just really excited about.

Keep in touch, we're about to see colors!




If there's anything I'm really grateful for, it's how everything turned out to be.